And time flies.

Just when you seem to have life all figured out a curve ball is thrown at you. I’ve been planning on moving back up north for so long to either NW Jersey or NYC but then a job opportunity came up in South Jersey. South Jersey where one of my besties lives. South Jersey where said besties’ parents lives, my surrogate family. South Jersey where several of my friends from college live. South Jersey where there’s this guy. A friend of a friend. He has become a good friend over the past several years. At this stage of my life (mid-thirties), new (genuine) friends aren’t easy to come by. Our social circles have already been set. So I don’t know what will happen with this job opportunity (or anything else) but I have decided to move to South Jersey either way. I have a great support system there that I have not had in years.  

I’m going back home (Jersey) but I don’t have a home to go to. My parents are dead. I can’t ever take a weekend drive to their house and pull into their driveway, walk up their porch steps, and walk in without ringing the doorbell as I always had done.  The house is still there but it’s no longer home.  It won’t ever be home again.  I can’t ever open the fridge every few minutes hoping something different will appear since the last time I opened it. I can’t ever take a nap in my mom’s bed when I’m not feeling well. My mom won’t ever make me that perfect cup of tea.  I’ll never hear one of my dad’s jokes again. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for one of my mom’s guilt trips right about now. Or my dad asking to borrow five bucks that I knew I’d never see again. I’d empty my wallet and my bank accounts just to have a little more time with them. But it’s never going to happen. I have a few friends that have lost both parents but all of them have someone else in their life – – either they are married and/or have children. I don’t have anybody. I don’t have a family. Maybe one day I will but until then I I carry this burden, this loss, alone.

And to top off the loss of my parents I had a falling out with my sister, who was one of my best friends for decades, several months ago right before the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death.  People think forgiveness is important. Well, I really don’t. I think treating people with respect is important. I think when you make mistakes you should do everything in your power to fix them. I’m not going to give someone a free pass in the name of forgiveness. I’m not that person. I’ll never be that person.  My sister did something to me and was able to go on living her every day life not caring what the consequences of HER actions had done to me. She doesn’t care how I was affected by what she had done.  The thing is, even if she does what needs to be done to make this right we won’t ever be the same. I just found out that my niece, her daughter, is getting married this fall.  Of course I’ll go to the wedding but the thought of seeing my sister makes me kind of sick because I know she’ll pretend like nothing’s wrong, like nothing  happened.  Well, I don’t play those games.  Her actions have put a strain on the relationship I have with her children. That’s not right. That’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did they – – why should our relationship have to suffer? 

So I have a lot to do over the next couple months between moving, the job situation, finding a place to live, getting a new car.  All of these requires money and quite a bit of it. I need a GoFundMe account (LOL). In all seriousness, no matter what the money situation, I’m leaving this good-for-nothing state (Florida) this summer. There’s nothing here for me here. I lost my parents here and this place just sucks the soul out of me.   

As far as my weight loss/fitness goals – – well, they have taken a backseat to a lot but today is June 1st and nothing like the first of the month, mid-point of the year, to start anew! Don’t you think?  I was at it hardcore for a while. I have no idea what happened. Distractions. I need to keep my eye on the prize (me) and keep reminding myself that I AM WORTH IT.  Aren’t we all?  

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Stuff.

I’m one week removed from the seven month anniversary from my dad’s passing.  I wish I had documented all that I (we) had gone through during the journey from the time he got sick until now. I didn’t. The bottom line is that I didn’t know how strong I was until I had to be. What I wouldn’t give to have my parents back. I have several friends that have lost A parent but only a few that have lost both parents. Unless you have lost both you really can’t imagine what it’s like to have no one fulfilling that role.  Even though my dad had been very sick since the summer of 2009 he was still physically present. He still tried to parent in some ways when he was able. The times were few and far between but the gesture was priceless. My parents were amazing folks.  Close to my heart and always in my thoughts…