Just when you seem to have life all figured out a curve ball is thrown at you. I’ve been planning on moving back up north for so long to either NW Jersey or NYC but then a job opportunity came up in South Jersey. South Jersey where one of my besties lives. South Jersey where said besties’ parents lives, my surrogate family. South Jersey where several of my friends from college live. South Jersey where there’s this guy. A friend of a friend. He has become a good friend over the past several years. At this stage of my life (mid-thirties), new (genuine) friends aren’t easy to come by. Our social circles have already been set. So I don’t know what will happen with this job opportunity (or anything else) but I have decided to move to South Jersey either way. I have a great support system there that I have not had in years.
I’m going back home (Jersey) but I don’t have a home to go to. My parents are dead. I can’t ever take a weekend drive to their house and pull into their driveway, walk up their porch steps, and walk in without ringing the doorbell as I always had done. The house is still there but it’s no longer home. It won’t ever be home again. I can’t ever open the fridge every few minutes hoping something different will appear since the last time I opened it. I can’t ever take a nap in my mom’s bed when I’m not feeling well. My mom won’t ever make me that perfect cup of tea. I’ll never hear one of my dad’s jokes again. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for one of my mom’s guilt trips right about now. Or my dad asking to borrow five bucks that I knew I’d never see again. I’d empty my wallet and my bank accounts just to have a little more time with them. But it’s never going to happen. I have a few friends that have lost both parents but all of them have someone else in their life – – either they are married and/or have children. I don’t have anybody. I don’t have a family. Maybe one day I will but until then I I carry this burden, this loss, alone.
And to top off the loss of my parents I had a falling out with my sister, who was one of my best friends for decades, several months ago right before the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death. People think forgiveness is important. Well, I really don’t. I think treating people with respect is important. I think when you make mistakes you should do everything in your power to fix them. I’m not going to give someone a free pass in the name of forgiveness. I’m not that person. I’ll never be that person. My sister did something to me and was able to go on living her every day life not caring what the consequences of HER actions had done to me. She doesn’t care how I was affected by what she had done. The thing is, even if she does what needs to be done to make this right we won’t ever be the same. I just found out that my niece, her daughter, is getting married this fall. Of course I’ll go to the wedding but the thought of seeing my sister makes me kind of sick because I know she’ll pretend like nothing’s wrong, like nothing happened. Well, I don’t play those games. Her actions have put a strain on the relationship I have with her children. That’s not right. That’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did they – – why should our relationship have to suffer?
So I have a lot to do over the next couple months between moving, the job situation, finding a place to live, getting a new car. All of these requires money and quite a bit of it. I need a GoFundMe account (LOL). In all seriousness, no matter what the money situation, I’m leaving this good-for-nothing state (Florida) this summer. There’s nothing here for me here. I lost my parents here and this place just sucks the soul out of me.
As far as my weight loss/fitness goals – – well, they have taken a backseat to a lot but today is June 1st and nothing like the first of the month, mid-point of the year, to start anew! Don’t you think? I was at it hardcore for a while. I have no idea what happened. Distractions. I need to keep my eye on the prize (me) and keep reminding myself that I AM WORTH IT. Aren’t we all?
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
Oh, how I wish I had known ANY of these before my parents died.
So the year anniversary of my dad’s death has come and gone. I cried for a few minutes but tried to remain positive. My dad would not have wanted me to be sad, to mourn. He was all about joking around, laughing, keeping it light, and having a good time. I thought that was the best way to honor him. So that’s what I did.
I’ve been interviewing for new jobs. I have my heart set on one that I should find out about this week. It would definitely be my most challenging position, which I’m not afraid of. The hardest part would be transitioning back to an 8-5 schedule. I haven’t done that in years.
I’ve gone through so much the last several months. I guess I have come out okay. Ive had a major falling out with my sister, who I have always been so lose with. She has created a major financial problem in my life that I’m working through. I hate that something as petty as money has done this but it’s really not about the money. It is but even more than that it’s about not taking personal responsibilities for your actions. It’s about going on with YOUR own life when you have left someone’s life in shambles. It’s about not caring. Someone has not made me feel so insignificant in a very long time. When it is someone who has been in your life since birth, someone who has been a best friend for years and years, it really hurts. I know I’m supposed to forgive but I can’t. I especially can’t because I’m living with what this person did every single day. It affects me every single day. It has created such a burden in my life that it may take me a very long time to dig out of. It has created repercussion upon repercussion. I just want to over. I didn’t deserve that. Even if things are made “right” they won’t ever be the same.
Heartbreaking display of emotion from an actor when he’s not acting.
Shortly after finding out his father passed away, John Schneider asks photographer Jeremy Cowart to capture his grief.
(photos by Jeremy Cowart http://jeremycowart.com/2014/01/john-schneider/)
Goodbye 2013. Not yet you say? It has been one of those years. Don’t ya think? I lost my father as I continued to struggle with the loss of my mom eighteen months previously. At the tender age of thirty-six I found myself an orphan. Even though my dad passed in February we lost him several years ago. We would get flashes of him here and there but those moments were few and far between. That didn’t make losing him any easier. Losing one parent is difficult, very difficult. Losing both is devastating. This year was full of struggles as I haphazardly picked up the pieces of what was left of my life. I’m in no mood to rehash the highlights and lowlights. Let’s just say that there is much room for improvement.
Rather than wait for good things to happen I’m not going to leave it for chance in 2014. I realized if I want to see change I need to be the change. So many resolutions of year’s past have gone unfulfilled with no one to blame but myself. Nothing earth shattering but when you make the same resolutions four years in a row and have yet to stick to one of them… Yeah, you get my drift. I have several resolutions I’d like to conquer in 2014. Several carried over from years past as well as a few new introductions.
Completely off topic but it’s 85 degrees in Central Florida right now. What? Yeah. 85. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I don’t mind the heat of Florida but I do miss the beautiful season changes of the Northeast. I didn’t mind the cold. I didn’t mind the snow. Although when I moved to NYC the wind would make my nose run so I should have bought stock in puffs plus! Ah, the memories.
I’m one week removed from the seven month anniversary from my dad’s passing. I wish I had documented all that I (we) had gone through during the journey from the time he got sick until now. I didn’t. The bottom line is that I didn’t know how strong I was until I had to be. What I wouldn’t give to have my parents back. I have several friends that have lost A parent but only a few that have lost both parents. Unless you have lost both you really can’t imagine what it’s like to have no one fulfilling that role. Even though my dad had been very sick since the summer of 2009 he was still physically present. He still tried to parent in some ways when he was able. The times were few and far between but the gesture was priceless. My parents were amazing folks. Close to my heart and always in my thoughts…