Come and gone.

So the year anniversary of my dad’s death has come and gone. I cried for a few minutes but tried to remain positive. My dad would not have wanted me to be sad, to mourn. He was all about joking around, laughing, keeping it light, and having a good time. I thought that was the best way to honor him. So that’s what I did. 
I’ve been interviewing for new jobs. I have my heart set on one that I should find out about this week. It would definitely be my most challenging position, which I’m not afraid of. The hardest part would be transitioning back to an 8-5 schedule. I haven’t done that in years.
I’ve gone through so much the last several months. I guess I have come out okay. Ive had a major falling out with my sister, who I have always been so lose with. She has created a major financial problem in my life that I’m working through. I hate that something as petty as money has done this but it’s really not about the money. It is but even more than that it’s about not taking personal responsibilities for your actions. It’s about going on with YOUR own life when you have left someone’s life in shambles. It’s about not caring. Someone has not made me feel so insignificant in a very long time. When it is someone who has been in your life since birth, someone who has been a best friend for years and years, it really hurts. I know I’m supposed to forgive but I can’t. I especially can’t because I’m living with what this person did every single day. It affects me every single day.  It has created such a burden in my life that it may take me a very long time to dig out of.  It has created repercussion upon repercussion. I just want to over. I didn’t deserve that. Even if things are made “right” they won’t ever be the same. 

Goodbye 2013. Almost.

Goodbye 2013. Not yet you say? It has been one of those years. Don’t ya think?  I lost my father as I continued to struggle with the loss of my mom eighteen months previously.  At the tender age of thirty-six I found myself an orphan. Even though my dad passed in February we lost him several years ago. We would get flashes of him here and there but those moments were few and far between. That didn’t make losing him any easier. Losing one parent is difficult, very difficult. Losing both is devastating.  This year was full of struggles as I haphazardly picked up the pieces of what was left of my life.  I’m in no mood to rehash the highlights and lowlights. Let’s just say that there is much room for improvement.

Rather than wait for good things to happen I’m not going to leave it for chance in 2014. I realized if I want to see change I need to be the change. So many resolutions of year’s past have gone unfulfilled with no one to blame but myself.  Nothing earth shattering but when you make the same resolutions four years in a row and have yet to stick to one of them… Yeah, you get my drift.  I have several resolutions I’d like to conquer in 2014. Several carried over from years past as well as a few new introductions. 

Completely off topic but it’s 85 degrees in Central Florida right now. What? Yeah. 85. I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I don’t mind the heat of Florida but I do miss the beautiful season changes of the Northeast.  I didn’t mind the cold. I didn’t mind the snow. Although when I moved to NYC the wind would make my nose run so I should have bought stock in puffs plus!  Ah, the memories. 

Stuff.

I’m one week removed from the seven month anniversary from my dad’s passing.  I wish I had documented all that I (we) had gone through during the journey from the time he got sick until now. I didn’t. The bottom line is that I didn’t know how strong I was until I had to be. What I wouldn’t give to have my parents back. I have several friends that have lost A parent but only a few that have lost both parents. Unless you have lost both you really can’t imagine what it’s like to have no one fulfilling that role.  Even though my dad had been very sick since the summer of 2009 he was still physically present. He still tried to parent in some ways when he was able. The times were few and far between but the gesture was priceless. My parents were amazing folks.  Close to my heart and always in my thoughts…

Approaching a Sad Anniversary

This time last year my mom was very sick.  Little did we know that her body was full of cancer.  It started with (what I found out later to be) an excruciating headache. Then came the dizziness, Then the vision changes, Then nausea. Six weeks after the symptoms started she was dead. Even though we’re less than three weeks away from the year anniversary of her death I still can’t believe she is gone. We took her and all she did for granted. Maybe because we didn’t really know how hard everything was that she was doing? Maybe because we didn’t want to know? There’s so many things that I want to say to her and about her. I miss you, Mom. I wish you were here. You were a great Mom and you left us too soon.