Changes, Changes, We’re all about the changes…

I’ve been making some personal changes over the last 5-6 weeks. These have been changes that I have been talking about for years and have made a very lackluster effort in the past. Something in me has changed and the lackluster effort has turned into results. I’ve had kind of a weird eating addiction since AT LEAST 2007, maybe a year or two earlier. My sister used to work at Walmart and one day came home with a box of Cracked Pepper Triscuits and the rest is history. I never even tasted a Triscuit before in my life and all of a sudden – – addicted!! Not to the cracked pepper ones though, just regular. And every New Year’s since 2008 I remember trying to stop eating them not to mention many “attempts” during the year. I’d tell myself I wasn’t going to buy them anymore and I’d go into the market or Target or Walmart and buy them without even thinking. It was kinda like breathing. I’d do it without giving it a second thought. My diet consisted mostly of Triscuits, Starbucks iced venti non-fat chai lattes (1-2 per day), and Coke.  When I left NYC and moved back to Jersey the venti lattes eventually became grande. After years of failure, (although is it really failure if you barely even tried??) I told myself (again) no more Triscuits, no more lattes, and no more Coke. It stuck.  I started drinking insane amounts of ice water all day and everything just clicked.  I’ve been eating so much better, less hungry. I’m really kinda shocked that I didn’t get killer caffeine withdrawal headaches with all of the lattes that I was drinking.  I really need to incorporate working out in a better way than I am. It’s tough when you have to do it all from home and you don’t really have any guidance. Figuring it out. One push-up at a time. 

**for the record, I’m down 16 pounds if that matters to anyone. a number on a scale has very little meaning to me.

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Come and gone.

So the year anniversary of my dad’s death has come and gone. I cried for a few minutes but tried to remain positive. My dad would not have wanted me to be sad, to mourn. He was all about joking around, laughing, keeping it light, and having a good time. I thought that was the best way to honor him. So that’s what I did. 
I’ve been interviewing for new jobs. I have my heart set on one that I should find out about this week. It would definitely be my most challenging position, which I’m not afraid of. The hardest part would be transitioning back to an 8-5 schedule. I haven’t done that in years.
I’ve gone through so much the last several months. I guess I have come out okay. Ive had a major falling out with my sister, who I have always been so lose with. She has created a major financial problem in my life that I’m working through. I hate that something as petty as money has done this but it’s really not about the money. It is but even more than that it’s about not taking personal responsibilities for your actions. It’s about going on with YOUR own life when you have left someone’s life in shambles. It’s about not caring. Someone has not made me feel so insignificant in a very long time. When it is someone who has been in your life since birth, someone who has been a best friend for years and years, it really hurts. I know I’m supposed to forgive but I can’t. I especially can’t because I’m living with what this person did every single day. It affects me every single day.  It has created such a burden in my life that it may take me a very long time to dig out of.  It has created repercussion upon repercussion. I just want to over. I didn’t deserve that. Even if things are made “right” they won’t ever be the same.