Coping with a bad bed partner.

This is really awkward. I want you to leave but I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

I pulled the above quote from the movie Bridesmaids. I have found myself thinking that exact same thing more than a time or two. It’s not really what you think though. Well, sometimes it is. Sometimes I just don’t want the pressure of having to wake up next to someone. Morning breath. Messy hair. Possible drooling, snoring, talking in my sleep. Other times I just don’t want someone there. I enjoy my solitude. But it mostly has to do with my RLS. I don’t sleep. I’ll lie down and “sleep” for literally a minute or two. I’ll get up and walk around. I’ll go to the fridge and get a drink or a snack. I’ll go back and lay down for a few minutes. I may or may not fall asleep for a couple of minutes. Get up again. Take a bath. Fall asleep in the bath. Get out of bath. Put on bedtime attire. Lay down. Fall asleep for a few. Wake up. Turn on TV. Fall asleep. Wake up three minutes later. TV still on. Turn off TV. Play with iPod or Blackberry. Fall asleep. Said Blackberry or iPod falls out of hand and the thump as it hits the floor wake me up. Start to drift off immediately, roll over, brush into the Blackberry charger plugged into the wall next to bed. Startled, thinking it is a something (scorpion) in my bed, throw myself up, wide-eyed. Only the Blackberry charger. Totally freaked out, get out of bed, take a walk. Walk to the mailbox to get mail. About a 4 minute walk round trip. Put mail on kitchen table. Go back to bed, put on TV. Start to drift. Karate kick in my sleep. Wake up. Drift off immediately. Wake up to some terrible racket. Walking into sliding door vertical blinds.  Sleep walking. Again. Go lay down. Drift off for about ten seconds. Too hot in here. Take pillow and blanket to couch. Ahhhhhhh, AC blowing right on me. Drift off. Roll over and fall on the floor. This is not working. Get up, walk to fridge, get drink. Walk around kicking anxiety out of my legs. Please legs. Behave. Lay back down on couch. Start to drift. Move legs, wake up. Take pillow and blanket back to bed. Pull out book. Read a paragraph or two, start to drift. Book falls out of hand, hits floor, thump – – WAKE up. WTF. Look at clock. O.M.G. Not even 2am. This is going to be a long ass night. Typical hour during the night for me. Multiply that by 7 or 8 hours and you have my typical night. With the exception of the bath and retrieving the mail – – I only do those once a night. Replace those two activities with a walk to the thermostat and another trip to the fridge. How do I share a bed with someone when I can barely share a bed with myself? Someone once told me that I kicked him about 100 times in the course of an hour and my legs looked like a frog swimming in water. Awkward! I don’t think I’ll ever get married no less share a bed with a man. That’s not me being a pessimist. This is me. This is my life every night of every day of my life. I don’t wish that upon my worst enemy (if I had enemies).

Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t get close to people. Maybe I don’t want to have to explain why I won’t spend the night.

If you share a bed with someone who snores, talks in his/her sleep, is restless  – – know that they can’t control what they do in their sleep and it may stress them more than it stresses you. Sometimes there are solutions (medical, psychological, separate beds, et cetera) and sometimes you just deal.

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