Need You Now

Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now is about addiction. Addiction to fellow-man (or woman). This song was basically my theme song for Spring/Summer of 2010. My iPod was on repeat and thanks to my mP3 hook-up in my car I must have listened to this song hundreds of times. Not only did I love the song but it was so relevant to my life. The past 5 years of my romantic life have embodied one person – – Edwin. Friend with benefits turned more. Not more on his part but on mine. It wasn’t his fault I fell for him. He was honest with me (at first). Maybe that’s what I found intoxicating? I didn’t care that he was with someone else. After several months it got too intense and I put distance between us. After 18 months apart he told me he had feelings for me – – that he loved me when we reunited. I believed him and got all wrapped up in him again. It didn’t take long for me to realize he was lying through his teeth to me about anything and everything. I didn’t care. I liked our closeness. I liked, hell I loved, that I could have what I wanted out of him without commitment. Commitment scared me. He scared me. I could never trust him to make anything real work anyway. But the physical intimacy was intense. I needed that. I was going through a hard time in life and he was the distraction I needed. He became an addiction. My addiction. My heart became cold and indifferent to him but I craved the closeness. The summer of 2010 (from late May till early October) I spent almost every night with him. When you strip away all of the sex what did we have? Certainly not a relationship of any means but we did have a friendship. We spoke at length about his girlfriend. Yes, he had a girlfriend and no, I didn’t care. We spoke at length about the custody battle with his ex over his 2yo son. We spoke about his son, my sick father, friends, work, et cetera. We were legitimate friends. Somewhere along the way something had to give and it’s always me. I always decide at one point or another to stop seeing him and I did. Once I made that decision I stuck with it. It has been about 8 months now. I’m well into my recovery. When I first moved to Florida he wanted to see me. I wasn’t interested. I still get moments of weakness. Then one afternoon I got a phone call him asking me to lie for him. I won’t lie for him. I won’t lie for anyone. We haven’t spoken since.

I’m seeing someone else but when I hear that song I return to the Summer of 2010 and relive every moment – – good and bad. My friends told me I shouldn’t make sacrifices for good sex. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice and it was better than good sex. It was amazing. I didn’t want a relationship with him. I just wanted him to be on the other side of my bed when I needed him. No more; no less.

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