Have you ever been on the unrequited end of unrequited love? I recently went through this. Well, sort of. There was this guy. We had a mutual attraction/flirtation. Then he got spooked. Unfortunately my attraction/flirtation/crush continued. Unrequited. Not love though. He was everything I never wanted before. I thought he was sexy because he was different. I thought he would come around. I mean, people LIKE me. I’m very likable. But he didn’t. He was a challenge. I’m not into challenges when it comes to men. Been there, done that. I’m too old to play those games. Eventually he started seeing someone else. Everything I once found sexy suddenly became the opposite of sexy. What I found attractive suddenly became unattractive. I’m not into anyone that isn’t into me.
Just when you seem to have life all figured out a curve ball is thrown at you. I’ve been planning on moving back up north for so long to either NW Jersey or NYC but then a job opportunity came up in South Jersey. South Jersey where one of my besties lives. South Jersey where said besties’ parents lives, my surrogate family. South Jersey where several of my friends from college live. South Jersey where there’s this guy. A friend of a friend. He has become a good friend over the past several years. At this stage of my life (mid-thirties), new (genuine) friends aren’t easy to come by. Our social circles have already been set. So I don’t know what will happen with this job opportunity (or anything else) but I have decided to move to South Jersey either way. I have a great support system there that I have not had in years.
I’m going back home (Jersey) but I don’t have a home to go to. My parents are dead. I can’t ever take a weekend drive to their house and pull into their driveway, walk up their porch steps, and walk in without ringing the doorbell as I always had done. The house is still there but it’s no longer home. It won’t ever be home again. I can’t ever open the fridge every few minutes hoping something different will appear since the last time I opened it. I can’t ever take a nap in my mom’s bed when I’m not feeling well. My mom won’t ever make me that perfect cup of tea. I’ll never hear one of my dad’s jokes again. Oh, what I wouldn’t do for one of my mom’s guilt trips right about now. Or my dad asking to borrow five bucks that I knew I’d never see again. I’d empty my wallet and my bank accounts just to have a little more time with them. But it’s never going to happen. I have a few friends that have lost both parents but all of them have someone else in their life – - either they are married and/or have children. I don’t have anybody. I don’t have a family. Maybe one day I will but until then I I carry this burden, this loss, alone.
And to top off the loss of my parents I had a falling out with my sister, who was one of my best friends for decades, several months ago right before the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death. People think forgiveness is important. Well, I really don’t. I think treating people with respect is important. I think when you make mistakes you should do everything in your power to fix them. I’m not going to give someone a free pass in the name of forgiveness. I’m not that person. I’ll never be that person. My sister did something to me and was able to go on living her every day life not caring what the consequences of HER actions had done to me. She doesn’t care how I was affected by what she had done. The thing is, even if she does what needs to be done to make this right we won’t ever be the same. I just found out that my niece, her daughter, is getting married this fall. Of course I’ll go to the wedding but the thought of seeing my sister makes me kind of sick because I know she’ll pretend like nothing’s wrong, like nothing happened. Well, I don’t play those games. Her actions have put a strain on the relationship I have with her children. That’s not right. That’s not fair. I didn’t do anything wrong and neither did they – - why should our relationship have to suffer?
So I have a lot to do over the next couple months between moving, the job situation, finding a place to live, getting a new car. All of these requires money and quite a bit of it. I need a GoFundMe account (LOL). In all seriousness, no matter what the money situation, I’m leaving this good-for-nothing state (Florida) this summer. There’s nothing here for me here. I lost my parents here and this place just sucks the soul out of me.
As far as my weight loss/fitness goals – - well, they have taken a backseat to a lot but today is June 1st and nothing like the first of the month, mid-point of the year, to start anew! Don’t you think? I was at it hardcore for a while. I have no idea what happened. Distractions. I need to keep my eye on the prize (me) and keep reminding myself that I AM WORTH IT. Aren’t we all?
64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
Oh, how I wish I had known ANY of these before my parents died.
I’ve been making some personal changes over the last 5-6 weeks. These have been changes that I have been talking about for years and have made a very lackluster effort in the past. Something in me has changed and the lackluster effort has turned into results. I’ve had kind of a weird eating addiction since AT LEAST 2007, maybe a year or two earlier. My sister used to work at Walmart and one day came home with a box of Cracked Pepper Triscuits and the rest is history. I never even tasted a Triscuit before in my life and all of a sudden – - addicted!! Not to the cracked pepper ones though, just regular. And every New Year’s since 2008 I remember trying to stop eating them not to mention many “attempts” during the year. I’d tell myself I wasn’t going to buy them anymore and I’d go into the market or Target or Walmart and buy them without even thinking. It was kinda like breathing. I’d do it without giving it a second thought. My diet consisted mostly of Triscuits, Starbucks iced venti non-fat chai lattes (1-2 per day), and Coke. When I left NYC and moved back to Jersey the venti lattes eventually became grande. After years of failure, (although is it really failure if you barely even tried??) I told myself (again) no more Triscuits, no more lattes, and no more Coke. It stuck. I started drinking insane amounts of ice water all day and everything just clicked. I’ve been eating so much better, less hungry. I’m really kinda shocked that I didn’t get killer caffeine withdrawal headaches with all of the lattes that I was drinking. I really need to incorporate working out in a better way than I am. It’s tough when you have to do it all from home and you don’t really have any guidance. Figuring it out. One push-up at a time.
**for the record, I’m down 16 pounds if that matters to anyone. a number on a scale has very little meaning to me.
Oh, never mind. Maybe next time.